Reading my past try to save myself is as depressing as it is entertaining. 

I'm tired. Not physically, but sick and tired of how I live and of the people around me and I'm so sad. I don't know what's wrong with me. I lost my sense of humour. 

I feel like my brain is slowly rotting and I can do nothing but watch.

I can't even write anymore. There's nothing left behind the words. I'm really just very, very sad.

Second

Technically, it's already Sunday, and technically, I'm late with writing.
Getting up early doesn't work. I'm not a six am person. Maybe I need to try harder, but really, there is no way for me to keep my eyes open before 6.30. It's horrible.
I bought orange lipstick, which is great, but apart from that, it's going shitty.

See, it's like that. I'm, that's a given, an incredibly egocentric person. (That will not come as a surprise, I'm writing a ducking blog about myself, and actually complained in the first post about a friend who pointed it out as senseless.) It's not about loving yourself or acting completely selfishly, it's just that my every thought is connected to me, what me thinking about something makes me what kind of person. It's exhausting.
I'm not only stuck with myself in my body, I'm stuck in my brain. I'm stuck with this bratty, idiotic, silly, overly dramatic little scum that is my personality, and I'm not getting out anyhow.
But that's... well, of course, that is the problem, the original problem, but not the one I'm thinking about right now.
I wonder if I should actually communicate that personality trait.
Really, I'm trying to suppress it. I ask questions. I'm interested in people, even if I actually am not. But it comes through anyway, and people keep calling me egocentric and even selfish whenever I'm not having a guard up - and sometimes even when I do. Ava the thing is, it bothers me. It doesn't bother me when they call me chaotic or weird or even lazy, but I hate egocentric people in general, and it's bad enough that I know that I'm like that. So, the midst obvious solution to it would mean that I'll just try to pull it together better, and communicate something, anything else, and try to keep that trait as closed up as I can. But I'm not sure whether that's even sensible. I mean, I want for my friends to tell me what bothers them, what's important to them, what keeps them busy at the moment, without make up or disguise, because I want them to be close to me. And I think... if I started communicating only those things that mirror flattering (fake-)traits of mine, that wouldn't only be highly pathetic (at least at the start, I do believe that if you ignore a part of you for long enough, it will eventually stop bothering you) but also keep me from being close to them, and that would be horrible.
I don't know what to do.

The list

Until December 31st:
1. If not impossible, go to bed at eleven and get up at six. Then make a tea and feel grown up and collected.
2. But heels or boots with heels. Wear at least three times a week.
3. Buy following things: Dry Shampoo, Whole-Body-Peeling, orange-red lipstick, headband in black.
4. Make to-do lists. One for every week and every day.
5. Organize your wardrobe. Their things out.
6. Fill it up again. Use reds and pinks.
7. Organize your folders.
8. Make Christmas preparations (calendar!) UNTIL 31st OF OCTOBER! (We don't want to repeat last year, do we?)
9. Watch Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead or Bands of Brothers.
10. Go prepared into the courses.
11. Find a friend in the teaching courses.
12. Find a cute guy and try to approach. (Fail as gracefully as you can.)
13. Get a blogger or actual Twitter account and post something at least three times a week.
14. Try to run. And I mean, really try. Not jog for three minutes and then decide you'll never do that again on your life. That's not trying.
15. Read the books from your booklist. That's why you did it I the first place. So you'd read them. Duh.
16. Do the cheerful voice thing with your mum, and see if it helps.
17. Do the cheerful thing in general, and see if it helps.
18. Get your skin on a level that doesn't scream: "I hate how you treat me" every time you look into the mirror.
19. Eat apples. And cucumbers. And please, drink more. 1,5 litre a day, water or tea. Okay?
20. Answer texts. NOT only from S. All texts. And mails. So people don't get so frustrated they'll stab you in your sleep. (We know that's gonna happen some day either way, but let's not make it sooner than necessary, shall we?)

S thinks that writing blogs - or posting anything at all - is stupid, unless you've got something important to say, like the people from Greenpeace. This is so... politically correct, and... I don't know, generally smart and sensible and perfect it quite honestly makes me want to scream. I don't expect anyone to read this, apart from the poor fellows that have to ensure that I'm not posting anything illegal or offending here. Apart from that, I'll keep to myself for three months.
Not sure why I even still bother. There's this faint hope, I guess, that as soon you start documenting, something that's worth documenting will appear.
But, in this case, it's more about getting something done.